When B told me, in a recent workshop I led, that she felt heard and understood, I asked her to share more of what she'd experienced.We all have the need to be heard and understood. When we feel heard and understood we feel valued and loved. So, why do we sometimes not feel heard or understoodThere are 2 aspects to being heard and understood.The first aspect has to do with reciprocation. In general, we are less inclined to hear and to try to understand others when we ourselves don't feel heard and understood.When someone feels unheard and understood, they aren't in a place where they can hear and understand others. To be heard and understood by others, you must first hear and understand the other. Secondly, being heard and understood is about speaking in a way that is hearable. So often, people speak at each other. No one is hearing, because, what is being said isn't hearable by the other side.It is natural to respond to judgement with resistance. We may block it out, deny it, or change the subject.We often tell others what they should or shouldn't do, rather than asking questions and being curious. We offer unasked for advice. Many of our efforts to convince people of our views are laced with judgement and harshness. These messages aren't hearable and don't get through.People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Speak with compassion and kindness, and you will be more hearable. If you aren't sure what to say, be curious and ask clarifying questions.For more resources on creating more vitality, joy and connection in your relationships, download my free 3-part video series.This is what B.had to say about our work together."I really loved our sessions. Bev is an excellent professional and a wonderful person."