Dear Visitor,
Studying Relational Life Therapy with Terry Real, and now working with couples, has taught me that everyone has an ongoing relationship dance that never moves them back into closeness after or during heated moments.
These dance moves that you and your partner repeatedly do when you’re triggered will never get you more of what you want-connection and love!
So, what do you do when you’re set off by your partner?
By using The Relationship Grid you can see that there are 4 main moves that Terry has identified:
1. Boundaryless and One Down—Here, you’re boundaryless, so you’re dependent on external sources, like your partner, to feel good about yourself. Add the shame and inferiority, and the message is, “Love me, love me, love me. I’ll do anything if you love me.”
2. Boundaryless and One Up—You’re still dependent on your partner to feel good about yourself, but here instead of shame, you are more entitled, demanding, and controlling. The message is, “You better get off the couch and love me right now, or you’ll wish you had!”
3. Walled-Off and One Down—Here you’re disengaged and inferior. This can present as being resigned and depressed. The message is, “Why bother? I don’t deserve it, and it isn’t going to work anyway.”
4. Walled-Off and One-Up—In its most extreme form, this quadrant is represented by meanness, entitlement, and passive aggression. You’re not connected to your partner because you’re superior to them. “You don’t deserve me. Who needs you?”
Of course, these vary in how extreme and intense they are. Not everyone who is Boundaryless and One Up is abusive or violent. However, the general message and behavior patterns are pretty similar in each quadrant.
Knowing which of these styles you (and your partner) fit into is a powerful first step in beginning to take back control of your subconscious patterns so that you can create the deep connection you long for.
You can read more about this in my article How Can I Stay in Love Long Term?
Also, you may want to download more of an explanation about the Relationship Grid by visiting my resources page.
Find out where you go in the heat of the moment. Then notice where your partner goes and what you need to do to come back into healthy connectedness.
If you want to hear more about the skills and tools I teach, then please click here for a complimentary discovery call.
As always, I love hearing your thoughts and comments.
Warmly,
Bev
P.S. I loved this TED talk on how we can make stress our friend through contribution beyond ourselves and connection with others. Hope you find this as eye opening as I did.
