Hi Visitor,

Do you ever ask for what you want in your relationship? Or does the mere thought of speaking up this way fill you with dread?

The reality is, that most of us never really ask for what we want because….. when we do, we do it badly.  And, more often than not, our partner becomes reactive and defensive. It doesn’t always work out as we’d hoped!

What often lands up happening is, we don’t deal with issues that are important to us, we settle, and become resentful. Resentment in a relationship is an intimacy killer. It leaves you feeling disconnected and disenchanted.

I teach my clients the skills of how to talk to each other in a respectful, loving way that will get them more of what they want in their relationship. 

We generally do what comes naturally to us even if it never gives us more of what we want. So for instance we let our partner do what they do, they fail at doing it and then we criticize them for it! This will never give you more of what you want!

I’ll share 3 steps here that I learned from Terry Real that you can begin using right away. 

Step 1: Dare to Rock the Boat

In the healthiest of relationships getting what you want means being assertive and asking for it! This is not an easy step for some. However, if something is important to you, you may need to stand up for your wants. This may mean behaving unhappily about the situation that is bothering you. You may tell your partner you’ll no longer be accompanying him on his business dinners because you feel he drinks too much and embarrasses both of you. “I feel demeaned by you in public and this needs to change.”

This is the assertive phase where you respectfully ask your partner to take what you’re saying seriously. This is tough because you can’t keep quiet about what you want, and get what you want, at the same time. You must make it clear that you are uncomfortable with how things are at the present time and that things need to change.

Being lovingly assertive means you begin with what they’re doing that you love and appreciate, and then request the change you’re after, which will improve the relationship.

Step 2: Tell them what doing it better or differently would look like. We may feel disappointed that they don’t just know. But….and this may be a hard pill to swallow!! They’re not mind-readers. 

You can’t expect to get what you never ask for.  You are going to have to ask if you really want the change. Remember to ask kindly. Be less confrontational and condescending. You’re not a relationship authority, you’re an expert on yourself, your needs and your wants.

Step 3: Make it Worth their While. Encourage rather than discourage. Begin appreciating what you get. Celebrate and acknowledge their good intentions and efforts.

Ask your partner what you can do to help them give you more of what you’re asking for. As Terry so eloquently says, “Build on what’s right, instead of criticizing what’s wrong.”

Watch Terry teach this here.

If this sounds like exactly what could begin healing your relationship, reach out to me as an RLT-trained coach and we can jump on a call to see what next steps you can take to come back into passion and connection with your partner. 

                                        Click here so we can chat. 

Also, you can enjoy my latest Brainz Magazine article 

Intimacy Slayers – 5 Losing Strategies That Will Never Give You Connection

As always, share your thoughts, questions insights. I love hearing them.

Warmly

Bev