Begin by contracting with your partner to do the process. This means checking in and finding out if now is a good time to talk. If not, find a comfortable time that suits both of you. Once you've both agreed to a time, keep your word and show up for your partner.

Then, take a breath and remember love. The person you're speaking to is not your enemy; it's someone you care about and wish to get close to again.

Use the following 4 steps:

1. What I saw or heard.
2. What I made up about it.
3. How I feel about it.
4. What I'd like.
   

Step 1: What I heard you say was that you'd be home by 7. You came in at 8. You didn't call or text. Also, you promised Timmy you'd pick him up after soccer practice today at 6 and you didn't show up.

Step 2: What I make up about that is that you still have some selfish, immature parts of you that privilege your time over ours. And you don't care about us that much.

Step 3: I feel angry, hurt, helpless, and lonely.

Step 4: I need you to apologize to me as well as to Timmy, and I'll like you to make a doctor's appointment to see if you need some ADD medication.

In step 1, you share what you saw or heard. You use brief sentences that simply relay the facts as you recall them.

With step 2. by using the phrase, "What I make up is…", you're really staying on your side of the line. You're sharing your experience of the events. If you say, you do this, that, or the other and it's making me crazy, you're being intrusive, and your partner will become shut down and defensive.

Step 3 is all about expressing what you feel. Feelings are usually one word. Try not to express your thoughts here. Don't express the story you made up. When you're not feeling triggered, try to identify your go-to feeling. This is the one that comes most naturally to you.